You gotta be kidding me.

See the future

I think it was a 100f today. It was just pfff. I wore a hipster trucker hat, hipster police sunglasses and beach outfit on (no bikini). I had only walked 1 block and I had the idea of walking back home, it was unbearably hot. The post office could wait. But I continued to walk: I wanted to get rid of my envelopes. I paid 4.76 and there the mail was gone. I took a side street to come back home, I was running away from the sun!

I looked up a bit and saw this lady walking with a cane and she was totally struggling. No wonder… it feels like an oven outside. She asked me to help her walk to a bench. Poor lady, what was she thinking: going outside when it’s sweaty time! Jeez. I thought I couldn't’t leave her on the bench so I offered to walk her home. It was only 1 block away. The lady was a bit grumpy: she said she was sick of it, she just wanted to die right now. I was a bit surprised to hear that. So I said: “lady, you must be just out of it because of the heat! The sun is taking advantage of you.” She stared at me and asked what I was doing to make a living. I told her I was making a video about being 30 and that made her laugh because she is 85. Her name is Aida and like me she doesn’t have any brother or sister. She said she used to know an artist who was painting with his mouth (he had no arm). She said the idea of a handicapped artist made her feel better, she had arms and legs. She could go anywhere, why was she complaining.

We were walking slowly and finally we got there and she couldn't’t find her keys. I was trying to hide my smile because I lose my keys all time. And I freak out when it happens. Well Aida was freaking out too. But it was not as bad like the time I thought I had lost my wallet and passport at a bar in Iowa at 4AM. Aida was scared she would get into trouble at the home for losing her keys again. She sounded like a trouble-maker and it made me like her more. Aida saw a friend of her walking by, he was a man in his 70’s listening to his Ipod going back home. I said “hey dude we need your keys to get in”. And there we were inside with the AC and Aida introduced to everybody. I think they wanted me to play cards with them. I wonder if they play “Pit”?!

I am running after my tail

People I have so much to do and so little time. I have a lot to say too but no Internet. I tried to guess all the pass code of the neighbor to "borrow" their wireless... no luck. I don't read minds yet so no free internet. Everything is been great since I almost got bitten by a rattle snake in Malibu. I decided that hiking is not my cup of tea. I already knew that but I was giving a 2nd chance. No 2nd chance anymore. (Note to my parents: the snake was closer to Ross-the-Boss's husband, so I think he would have been bitten first, then Ross-the-Boss, then me lastly).

A couple days after the snake pit, I got SO scared when I was coming back home from the fabric store and saw a squirrel looking at me like if I was a peanut for her to eat. Me a peanut, no way. I ran like crazy. It would have been an amazing Jude Apatow movie. Trust me. (Seth Rogan was safe at home, looking out of the window and laughing his as* off looking at me).

What else. I got stuck in the train on Monday because my wagon ran over someone. His foot got cut off. I didn't see the foot but the other passengers saw it and were screaming. All I was thinking was that I really needed to pee and I was feeling both hot and weak thinking about the blood bath under my wagon. After an hour the police came to inspect our wagon, they brought a ladder with an helicopter and finally I was able to read downtown and have my meeting with PB. I was feeling like sh*t.

Big change of topic: my awesome friend Libby had an idea for a blog entry so I said fine Lib, go ahead. I will proof-read you and make some word change if we need to.

New contributer to Julie's Blog

Hello everybody,

My name is Libby Kountzman and I am today’s guest contributor to Julie’s blog. When I’m around Julie I typically become over-stimulated because she is an exceptionally excitable French-Canadian. We hadn’t seen each other in a couple months until one hot Saturday (Julie says: sweating time even my shorts on) when I ran into her in front of the Pazzo Gelato in Silverlake. She was on her way to Casbah for lunch with Paul. I saw Paul last night in Los Feliz and like that he is silly. (Julie says: Paul goes to Casbah everyday, I am going to call it CASH-BAH, because he spent all his monay there.)

Roughly 10 minutes ago Julie served me strong coffee, a ripe banana, and presented me with Spring Fever Mix for L.I.B.B.Y. We are leisurely relaxing at the condo (Julie says: it is a castle) because we completed our work for her video-art project (Julie says: Libby did good). For my part, I had to memorize and sing a Mittenstrings song. On my fifth attempt, she instructed me to harness more emotion and I started to cry. Naturally, the song was about heartbreak. Today has been melancholy, thus all the more reason to spend time with Julie and sing sad songs.

Julie is a very sophisticated giver of advices (Julie says: I say what to do) and excels at word-smithing flirty, winning emails [that sometimes require minor edits so that they don’t read as if a non-native English speaker wrote it]. All in all, for the months of March – May 2009, Julie has taken on the role of life coach, but it feels just as comfortable as a life couch.

[excerpt from conversation in real-time]
JULIE: Libby, you’re not listening. I can always tell.

LIBBY: I am I am.

JULIE: My hug boots look like a wet cat. I am so annoyed- it rained when I was coming home from the library.

LIBBY: [Thinking to herself] This banana is good with coffee.

JULIE: Have you looked at Max’s blog?

LIBBY: No

JULIE: You should. Do you want to go to galleries tomorrow with P.B.

LIBBY: Yes

JULIE: Let’s make a zine together. We can call it Dear Libby. ha. wahaha.

LIBBY: We can be each other's ghost writers.

Life without the internet

Is liberating. I am totally out of touch with the real news and with Perez’s, and it’s nice. It’s harder to plan our weekly ANTM fest on Wednesdays night, but now I manage to do it via the telephone, just like it used to be. I kind of like it now. It feels like the internet rehab, I think I needed it. It was hard at first, I was screaming and crying and kicking. I think I was an internet junkie. I made friends with the people around the block who gives me the internet. The lady at the public bibliotheque is nice and she’s bright. We get entertained by a circus of weirdos coming in to read the Wall Street Journal. (it’s true). I also made friends with a couple of genius down the street, they all wear the same t-shirt. When I see them we talk about computers, we have so much in common. I never thought I could relate to a sale person. I wonder how long I will last.

I am sick

Still. I hate it. I am busy like a bee and I don’t have time to lay in bed and watch Ghost World (it could be amazing though). I cough, cough. I get cold put more sweaters on (the colors don’t match and I look like a homeless person), I get hot go in the cold bathtub. I drink water, my eyes are itchy, I blow my nose. I get goose bumps. People love to talk about their sickness. Yesterday I was in line at the post office coughing my lungs out and this grand-pa came up to me. I got scared when I saw him right next to me. I thought he would lecture me on being sick and still going around to do my errands. I was ready to say hey pappy I am on a postmark deadline. But no the man said “Oh I had this same exact cold last week. Where did you catch it?”

Where did I catch that. I bet Ross-the-Boss or Carlstone Rock brought it in the suitcase from wherever they live for my birthday. Pfff. Happy birthday fool.

The birds got married

And I went to their wedding. I didn’t think I would go because of geographical distances but I managed to make it fit. No stress, no sweat. The Birds are one of the best couple I know. I was very excited to be sitting there and to clap when it was time to clap.

With a Jackie O outfit on (I didn’t look like myself), I met up at 4 with Lisa and together we speeded to the wedding with the goth Prius. (Lisa insisted she wanted to be my date. Okay Lisa you are lucky I was slow to invite my real date.)

Lisa & I were the 2 young widows with our little black dresses on. I guess we didn’t fit in too much (we didn’t go to Oxy). Lisa left early, she got sleepy (I can’t believe it). I didn’t want to leave too early because my outfit search had been a soap opera and I thought I should stay at least until midnight like Cenderilla.

Overall this is what happened:
I got star-struck by an internet celebrity from Portland, I had unexpectedly comforting tips of conversations with 1 brother, and crazy laughs with a doctor wearing a skirt, Bird #1 got mad at me because I did something illegal-on-site near the dance floor, then Bird #2 saw me having an altercation with Bird #1. The Birds love to tell me what to do, just like when I was living with them. I said ok bye Birdies, happy honeymoon, now I go to bed. At 11:55pm I ran to the train station and I hopped in my wagon destination northbound.